I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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