Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
