I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
