what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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