your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
