i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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