You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
