I think I died a long time ago.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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