I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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