I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
