literally had 100 drinks last night.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
