Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
