You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
