I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
