I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
