I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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