the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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