I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
