My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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