At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
