Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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