I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
be right there i have to get my cape
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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