you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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