Got a toothbrush?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
