I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
