i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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