Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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