you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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