Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
