I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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