She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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