I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
