So drunk, too bad you don't want this
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
