I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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