Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I deserve this hangover.
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