i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
