I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
