I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
