I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
