When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
