That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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