There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
