how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
