my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I need water and some morals
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
