turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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