Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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