dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
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