Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
