I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
