Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
