Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
