I murdered the dance floor call the cops
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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