I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she looked like the before picture.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
