life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
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I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
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I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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