why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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