yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
